If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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