i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
