Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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