I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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