I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
