sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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