Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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