are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
