a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just found a bag of teeth...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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