I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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