my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Randomize
