my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
