I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
