He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize