During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
