I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
