My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
