Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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