So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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