that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
