I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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