my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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