I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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