not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
