Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
