Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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