Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Randomize
