Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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