Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
