Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i drank out of a bidet.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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