If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
