I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
