Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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