Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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