I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize