I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
