he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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