i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
