We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
