So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
