thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize