the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Someone signed my nipple.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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