Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
