I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
