I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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