very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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