i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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