i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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