Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
