I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize