The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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