Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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