if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
