I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
