in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
