If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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