THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
