xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
