And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
